Addicted to Chaos: Why Calm Feels Unsafe When You Grew Up in Inconsistency

For many people, ‘peace and quiet’ sounds like a dream, but for those who grew surrounded by inconsistency, unpredictability, or chaos, calm can feel unnerving, unsafe or like something bad is about to happen.

If you’ve ever noticed yourself restless in stillness, uncomfortable when life seems ‘too quiet’, or drawn back into drama and conflict despite wanting something different, you’re not alone. This isn’t weakness or self-sabotage, it’s your nervous system doing what it learned long ago which it to survive in an environment where chaos was the norm.

What Children Need to Thrive

Childhood should be a time of curiosity and discovery. A safe environment allows children to:

• Explore the world around them.

• Learn who they are and what brings them joy.

• Develop trust in themselves and their instincts.

• Understand their needs and feel confident to express them.

• Be acknowledged, validated, and encouraged.

• Experience autonomy and the freedom to make choices and build independence.

  
  

With these foundations, children grow into adults who know their worth, understand themselves, and can set clear, healthy boundaries.

When Chaos Takes Over

For some, childhood looked very different and instead of focusing on play, learning, and self-discovery, attention was diverted outward:

• Monitoring a parent’s mood.

• Guessing what others needed before they asked.

• Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.

• Living with inconsistency, unsure what version of a caregiver would appear.

• Feeling responsible for keeping the peace.

  
  

In this environment, a child learns that other people’s needs matter more than their own. Calm feels unsafe because calm rarely lasted. Just as things settled, the next explosion or crisis would arrive.

The nervous system adapts to this by staying on high alert, constantly scanning and bracing, ready to fight, flee, or freeze at any moment.

Why Calm Feels Threatening as an Adult

Fast forward to adulthood, and the body is still wired for chaos, even when the external environment is safe. The nervous system has already been conditioned and reacts as if calm is a warning sign. Something is about to go wrong.

This can look like:

• Struggling to relax or switch off.

• Feeling restless or anxious in silence.

• Creating or being drawn into drama in relationships.

• Constantly ‘keeping busy’ to avoid stillness.

• A sense of emptiness when life feels too quiet.

  
  

It isn’t that you ‘like’ chaos, it’s that chaos is familiar. Your brain has paired unpredictability with survival and unfamiliar calm can feel intolerable.

The Hit of Chaos

There’s also a physiological side. Living on high alert floods the body with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Over time, the nervous system can become addicted to that chemical hit. Chaos doesn’t just feel familiar, it feels essential, like the body is searching for its next dose.

That’s why calm can feel boring, wrong, or even frightening. The body craves the stimulation it has been conditioned to expect.

When Chaos Stops Serving You

A key turning point is recognising when this pattern is no longer protecting you but limiting you. You might notice:

• Burnout from constantly running on adrenaline.

• Strained relationships from recurring conflict or drama.

• Difficulty enjoying peace, joy, or connection.

• A longing for calm, yet an inability to stay with it.

  
  

This recognition isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding how old survival strategies, which were once essential, may now be keeping you stuck.

What Can Help

Healing from chaos is possible. It begins with awareness and gentle self-compassion. Here are some steps to start:

1. Notice the Pattern

Begin by observing when you feel restless, anxious, or drawn to drama. Try to pause and name it,  ‘this is my nervous system looking for chaos’.

2. Ground Yourself

Simple grounding techniques such as deep breathing, feeling your feet on the floor, or naming things you can see and hear, remind your body that you are safe now.

3. Practice Calm in Small Doses

Expecting yourself to love stillness straight away can be overwhelming and so tolerance needs to be built slowly. Start with a few minutes of quiet perhaps with music, meditation, or time in nature and notice how your body responds.

4. Reassure Your Nervous System

Calm doesn’t mean danger anymore. Gently remind yourself, ‘I am safe. I don’t need to be on high alert. I can rest’. Over time, your body learns a new pattern.

5. Give Yourself Permission to Matter

If no one needs you in this moment, it doesn’t mean failure but instead, an opportunity. You deserve time to focus on yourself, to rest, to enjoy life. Calm isn’t a threat, it’s a gift.

6. Seek Support

Therapy offers a space to unpack the impact of chaotic environments and begin to build new patterns. With a safe and consistent relationship, you can explore what calm feels like, reconnect with yourself, and begin to trust that peace is possible.

Final Thoughts

If you grew up in chaos, it makes sense that calm feels unsafe. Your body was simply trying to keep you alive. This survival strategy doesn’t have to define you forever. With awareness, practice, and support, you can begin to step out of the cycle of chaos, reclaim calm, and learn that peace is not only safe, it’s something you deserve.